For those who don’t know, the video at the end of this post is the moment where Captain Jack finds out why he is immortal. It also explains why I love Captain Jack even though I’m asexual and he’s pansexual. In fact, even though he is very open with his innuendos and his love of all things sexual (not in this scene, for the most part. Sexphobes can still watch it), there is a lot more to Captain Jack’s character than his sexuality, and I think sometimes people get too caught up in that aspect of him and allow it to overshadow the rest. Jack’s not ashamed of his sexuality, and he shouldn’t be, but there is also so much more to him than that.
Speaking of which, one of the things I find interesting is that until this scene, Jack couldn’t stand being immortal. As totally comfortable as he is with his sexuality, he is totally uncomfortable with his immortality. He has a lot of reasons for that — he’s experienced a lot of pain and seen a lot of people he loves die. But at the same time, every time I watch this scene it reminds me of how I felt at first about being asexual. I felt really alien, like I lived on this planet but didn’t belong here. People would tell me I was lucky to be asexual or they would tell me there was something wrong with me. Either way, it felt the same. I thought nobody could understand me and that I was the only one in the universe who felt this way besides fictional characters. I cried because I watched an episode of Monk where it was pretty clear he was asexual and I didn’t think anyone but me ever felt that way in real life.
So yeah, somewhat of a different reason, but when I watch the first season of Torchwood and the Dr Who crossovers, I see my own struggle for self-acceptance mirrored in Jack’s pain.
I’ve never been suicidal, but I know a lot of people who have been because of being LGBT. Those of you who know me really well know how deeply personal a cause that is to me, and how grateful I am that Hadassah survived her suicidal feelings and is alive and happy now. So the last little bit of this particular scene really really gets me every time, because life is life, whether mortal or immortal, and I can’t help crying and cheering at the same time at someone choosing it.
I also have my own reasons for understanding Jack’s immortality beyond that, which really go way beyond what I wanted to write about here. Suffice it to say that before I came to North Carolina, I had made some serious wrong choices in my life, and looking back, I am literally lucky to be alive. I don’t like to think about that, but I do feel like I have a whole new life now.
Anyway, now here I am focusing on one aspect of Jack’s character and there’s so much more to him than his immortality just like there is so much more to him than his sexuality. And that’s what it comes to. I find Jack to be a very multi-dimensional HUMAN (or human feeling, anyway, I’m not sure what planet he’s from) character. I could write more about his compassion and his conflicted feelings about being a leader and wanting to try to make the universe a better place but feeling too damn responsible when things go wrong, which I also identify with.
One last thing… for me, a lot of the sex scenes in Torchwood — and especially with Jack — are about love. For me, this illustrates the way asexual people and sexual people are the same…we just express it differently. I know we don’t all feel romantic love, but what the fuck does that matter? Love is love. I’ve watched Torchwood and seen Jack kiss Ianto because he knew there was a chance they might never see each other again, and even though I don’t know that I ever want a romantic relationship with anyone, I can understand wanting to tell someone you love how much you love them, in case goodbye is forever.
So I think I’ve said enough for one blog post… I’m gonna shut up so you can all enjoy the video clip.