I’m facing lots of changes in my life right now, so this blog may be a little bit more personal than my last few blogs.
First of all, I’m moving ahead with my asexual activism. Which is great, because it feels more like what I really want to do. I’m writing for the Examiner at least twice a week. In addition, I’ve done two more Squidoo pages about asexuality — one about Asexual Awareness Week, which I’m really excited to be participating in, and the other a general FAQ about asexuality.
Ever since I started writing more about asexuality, I’ve lost interest in my for-pay writing, which is about bankruptcy and taxes and the like. Unfortunately, this just won’t do. So far I’ve made 45 cents from writing about asexuality, which is not nearly enough to pay my rent (which is already late as it is …sigh…)
In the meantime, I’m trying to find another apartment, one that is closer to Raleigh where all my friends live and where I hope to have more meetings of Aces United once I get settled. So far it’s been really hard finding apartments that are affordable, and I’m nervous that I won’t be approved to live there anyway because of how many times my rent has been late in the past six months. Not to mention that I’m a month behind on nearly all my bills because I barely make enough freelancing to survive, so I’m sure my credit is shit right now. Plus I don’t have a traditional bank account; I have a Paypal account, since that’s where I get paid and where I pay all my bills from.
In addition to all of MY shit, since Hadassah and I plan to live together in the immediate future, it may be even harder to find an apartment because of our state not allowing her to have her legal name, which means she has to put her male name on all official documents (like rental applications) which means psychological distress for her and landlords legally being allowed to not rent to her if they don’t like transwomen. I haven’t blogged about trans issues for a while since I’m more focused on asexuality, but they do affect me just because my best friend and current roommate happens to be trans.
The biggest change I’m facing is that eventually Hadassah is planning on going to school all the way across the country. I totally support her doing this even though it means huge changes for our friendship. My feelings are, understandably, mixed about this. For me as an asexual, living with a really close friend in a nonromantic relationship has been absolutely awesome. I’ve always known that she would eventually find a sexual partner and that things would change. In the past two months we have had many discussions about our friendship and what to do to keep it a friendship and not something more. I’ve explained, or hope I’ve explained where I’m coming from and she’s explained where she’s coming from, many times over. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish sometimes that things were very different.
So naturally sometimes, especially late at night when I’m alone in my room trying to get to sleep, I start thinking about the future and what it’s going to be like when Hadassah’s on one end of the country and I’m on the other. I’m planning on moving to Boston around the time she moves. Hopefully by then I’ll have my financial situation straightened out and my tax situation straightened out (I owe money for taxes too thanks to being self-employed…sigh…) so I’ll be able to move. And I’m excited about this great new life and I’m sure I’ll be able to visit her sometimes or her me. But like any change, this one is hard for me, especially because this non-relationship was closer to what I’ve wanted than any romantic relationship I’ve actually had has been.
In the meantime, I’m trying to focus on my day-to-day existence and resolve some of these financial problems and live the life I want to live. And not htink so much about the future, the present is enough for now.