Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 3 March 2011

In Honor of World Sexuality Day, I’d Like To Say Something About Asexuality

So today is World Sexuality Day, and in honor of that I’d like to write something about my positive feelings about asexuality. Of course, I got very far behind on everything and forgot what the date was, but I don’t want to rush. So I’m going to take comfort in the fact that it will still be March 3 somewhere by the time I finish.

Okay. So.

When I come out to people as Asexual, very often they comment, “You are so lucky not to be tormented by the need for sex.” And honestly, that always confuses me because sometimes it doesn’t feel like a blessing. Because I am Asexual, I would prefer to live with a close friend and have a sexless relationship than enter a traditional romantic relationship. Building an emotionally close relationship takes time, lots of time, and lots of commitment. I have Aspergers, which lends itself to miscommunications and misunderstandings quite easily, so I have to spend a lot of time working out communications problems with friends for the health of the relationship. And then, because most people are sexual and looking for a sexual mate and not just to live with me forever, I’m forced to move on more often than I would like.

My sexual friends are, on the whole, looking for the same thing I’m looking for: a long-term, committed relationship. Except for them, that relationship also involves sex. And it seems like sometimes their need for sex overwhelms them so that they engage in it with people they know won’t give them the commitment they are looking for.

So I can understand why they say I’m lucky. I don’t have to ask myself the question of whether I should compromise on the relationship aspect for the sex aspect.

I don’t want to say that Aces are luckier than non-Aces, though, because neither one is better than the other. We just are who we are, and whichever we are, we should be proud of.

That being said, I’m happy being Asexual. For me, my lack of sexual attraction doesn’t feel like a lack. I’m satisfied with the close friendships I have, although I could use more friends and possibly a life partner. I spend my days working on various writing projects, meeting people, learning about and practicing spirituality, dreaming about the future, hoping to travel… all this is enough, or becoming enough, for me. Of course there are things in my life that aren’t as satisfying as I’d like them to be — money is one thing that comes to mind — but lack of sexual attraction is not one of them.

And so for me, I’m proud and happy to answer the old joke, “Sexual preference: YES” with, “For me, sexual preference is NO.”



  1. I am guilty of being jealous of aces. Sex is one of those things that I feel is more trouble than it’s worth. Sure, sex feels great. But for me, only with a great person. And there aren’t many great people around.

    Plus sex complicates things as well.

    But I can understand why asexuals are troubled by their not desiring sex. For so many sexuals, sex is a mandatory requirement of a relation and no sex is a dealbreaker. I myself would probably be sexually fustrated with a ace, but I’d be able to deal with it as long as I have other sexual outlets to relive myself with that the ace agrees with.

    But I think such a relationship could work.

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