Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 5 February 2011

Coming Out in an LGBTQ Space

Tonight I am going to an LGBTQ pot luck as an openly asexual person. I don’t really know exactly what this means, to be honest. I just know that in the past when I have attended LGBTQ events, others have presumed that I am a bisexual woman and I have done nothing to correct them. I’ve felt too often that I am “passing” for sexual. But I am not sexual, never have been and never will be. I might laugh at sexual jokes because I like a good pun as much as anyone else and I might be able to recognize it when you are making a sexual reference because asexual does not mean “sheltered from the existence of sex.” But I am not sexual.

In addition to being an asexual “woman” (really I’m gender neutral) I’m single. I am not an asexual woman in a relationship with my sexual roommate. I am not a sexual woman in a relationship with my female roommate. And I am not saying these things because I am closeted or ashamed of not being heterosexual. I am saying them because the truth is that I am a single asexual PERSON (not woman) who lives with a single sexual transgender woman who happens to be my best friend but it is not, has never been, and cannot ever be more than that.

So in an hour here I go, entering a new LGBTQ space as myself. Not sure what that looks like, exactly, but it will be different from the way it has always been even if it looks the same because I cannot hide who I am anymore.


  1. Wow…passing for sexual. A really different concept until you think about it.
    As a transgendered woman many times I’m automatically labeled promiscuous. Not unlike a gay male.
    Thanks for putting a name to something I’ve always felt!

    • You’re welcome. I can definitely see that connection. I’ve been wondering recently if the reason that there seem to be way more female asexuals is that men are more expected to be sexual in the first place.

  2. I’d love to hear about how the LGBTQ potluck went! I recently joined an LGBTQ club at a local school. I went to the first meeting with the intent on “passing” as sexual at first, but- as it turns out, I met another asexual there (small world, huh?) and felt it appropriate to “come out” to everyone. They were really accepting and it made me feel a whole lot better about the Queer Community. ❤

    • I should do a follow up blog or something. Anyway, there didn’t seem to be much of an opportunity at first because I didn’t just want to say, “Hi I’m Stephanie and I’m asexual.” lol. I put it on my nametag underneath my name. At some point during supper I brought up that I was asexual and the person I was talking to said, “okaay… well, anyway.” and Gavi jumped in to try to explain, which was helpful. Still glad I did it… I imagine it will get easier over time.

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