Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 24 January 2011

Am I Demisexual?

I’ve been thinking more about what I would actually want in a partner. I mean, I’ve been feeling aromantic lately, but there isn’t really a point in holding onto what I have when it’s only temporary. So as part of the process of separating what my ideal world would be like from the one I’ve got, I’ve been trying to define more clearly how a partner would fit into my life. I’ve pretty much realized that even though I never have feelings of sexual attraction, once I’m in a relationship I want to hold hands a lot and hug and kiss a little. I can’t say I’ve ever felt the actual desire to do more than that. I don’t desire or plan to have actual intercourse, even with a romantic partner,

I read recently that there’s a class of people called demisexuals. Demisexuals are sort of in between asexual and sexual. They don’t experience sexual attraction, but once they are involved with someone, they suddenly switch from asexual to sexual.

This fits me in some respects but the AVEN Wiki says that demisexuals experience the same level of sexual desire as a sexual person, and that is certainly not me. I’ve had three romantic partners in my life and had minimal desire once in a relationship. Of course, you could argue that the relationships I was in were unhealthy, but that argument seems too close to the argument that “you’re not really asexual. you just haven’t met the right person yet.”

I’m uncomfortable with the term demisexual for that reason. I respect everyone’s sexual attraction or lack thereof, but it just seems like I’ve spent a lifetime fighting the idea that my asexuality isn’t real, that it’s just a matter of not being in the proper relationship, and then the demisexual label seems to suggest that exactly that is the case. However, my personal political concerns aside, I have no doubt that there are people in the world who are demisexual. I just don’t know if I’m one of them.

The thing is, I have never felt sexual desire. I have felt some minimal desire…the desire to hold hands, maybe, maybe the desire to kiss. At the most, the desire to experiment sexually maybe once every couple months. But not the desire to go all the way, and certainly not the sexual desires a sexual person has, whatever that means.

So it seems I am caught somewhere between asexual and demisexual. And while I don’t believe labels define people, and in a way I’m cool with being labelless, I would like a word to define exactly what I am, if only so I can explain it more easily to other people.



  1. I do believe you have just described the last 10 years of my life. đŸ™‚ I say so often that may be shy, but I’m not inept, I just organize my personal & emotional space in my own way, ’nuff said.
    Excellent blog, glad a stumbled across you.

  2. Wow, I didn’t know anybody else was like this. That sounds like demisexual to me, maybe more towards asexual since you’ve only had romantic desires. Not everything physical is sexual (holding hands, for instance).

  3. […] really is nothing new for me. I started wondering if I was actually demisexual back in January. I just wasn’t self-aware back then to know […]

  4. Whether or not you identify as demisexual (and the precise definition is a constantly-evolving thing, as more and more people who use that label work to make it easier for others to understand), you are more than welcome to visit the forum specifically made for demisexuals and grey-asexuals:

    Demi Grace. Who knows, maybe there will be something there you can use to further your introspective searching?
    -Tegid, admin of Demi Grace

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