Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 29 December 2010

How I Discovered my Gender Neutrality

I have felt for years that “woman” does not exactly describe me. Yet I am not Transgender in the literal sense because I do not feel I am male either, or at least not fully male. Yet I often feel more male than female. When I was in college, a “boyfriend” suggested I seek psychological help for my feelings of non-femaleness and told me that they probably came from the fact that my mom has a very different personality than I do and did not work outside the home. Thus, according to this person, my gender identity was a psychological problem caused from identifying womanhood with my mom and not wanting to be like her.

Anyway, so years passed and I lived with the title of woman even though it did not quite feel right. I then met Hadassah (Gavi) in 2008. Hadassah is Transgender, although she was not out about it then — she was struggling with suicidal feelings due to her difficulty accepting her bisexuality. However, soon after we met I felt comfortable expressing my feeling to her that I was not female. I remember telling her in Walmart one day that I hated being female because it just didn’t feel like me and she said that I could always transition if I really wanted to. We decided not to discuss it further in public at that time. At the insistence of my other then-roommate, I began wearing dresses and expressing more femininity than was truly “me” in an effort to teach myself that I was indeed a woman.

Last April, Hadassah came out as Transgender and began living full-time as a woman. I began wearing some of her pre-transition clothes and felt more comfortable in them. I got my hair cut shorter and expressed more maleness. Oddly enough, I feel more female when I wear male clothes. I consider myself a male-leaning gender neutral female-bodied asexual person.

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