Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 4 September 2010

Do I Have an Invisibility Shield On?

The other day I completely revised my OKCupid profile. Since no-one writes to me, even if I write back, I thought spicing up my profile would help. After I revised it, I posted in the forums asking for feedback.

I only got two responses, not counting Gavi. One person was not the kind of person I’d want to date anyway, because she was rude. “There’s no way in HELL I’m reading all that. And what’s a Kitchen Witch??!” The other person liked my profile but is only 19 and lives in another state.

Other than that, nobody said anything. Nor do people respond when I email them or email me directly after reading my profile.

What the hell? Do I have some sort of invisibility shield on? I know I’m attractive, intelligent, and interesting. Why does nobody seem to be interested in me? I don’t understand it. I know I have Asperger’s but online it doesn’t show that much, and in any case I’ve learned enough basic social skills that people really shouldn’t run away screaming. I know I’m asexual but really, are people THAT much invested in sex that they don’t want to bother to get to know me??? I don’t want someone like that anyway, but it can’t be everyone…can it?

I know dating is hard for everybody. Gavi’s OKCupid box is so full that she constantly gets a warning that she won’t be able to get any more messages if she doesn’t delete some, but she’s been struggling for the past few weeks with “dates” that continually cancel at the last minute or just don’t contact her when it’s time to get together. So it’s not like having a lot of people interested in you counts for anything if you can’t get anyone to even try to make it real.

I’m honestly not sure if trying to find someone is even worth it. I’ve got a busy, active life. I’m focusing on freelance writing and on making Shades of Gay a success, both of which keep me phenomenally busy. I have fun living with my best friend, even if it is and will alway be a platonic relationship because we consider ourselves sisters. Do I really even have room for a partner, assuming any such person actually exists? Besides, I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m not meant to have a relationship. I’d be happy just to meet more people, though… I don’t seem to even be able to do that.

It’s really hard for me to meet people in person. Large groups of people overwhelm me, for one thing, and I’m not really good at things like eye contact or making small talk. That’s doubly true in a noisy environment because the noise is too distracting on top of everything else.

At least online I have an equal chance…or so I thought. But it seems people just pass me over…at least personal relationship wise. I do fine at making business contacts online.

I’ve read other asexuals complaining that people who don’t read their profile email them trying to come on to them. I don’t even get THAT much. (Not that I want THAT, but I would like to feel like I’m not completely invisible.)

So what am I doing wrong?


  1. What’s the famous proverb…Love is like your shadow, if you chase it you’ll never catch it but it’s always there…or something like that.

  2. Hi Stephanie,

    Saw your profile on the writing meetup; hopefully we’ll get to meet at one of the meetup meetings. I just signed up so we’ll have to see how it goes.

    I’ve clicked around your site–your new book sounds really great–and I notice there isn’t much traffic here. Or rather, there isn’t much evidence of traffic–and then this post about invisibility.

    Having spent years in the webbiegrrl line of work, I have to tell you the answer: the only time “if you build it, they will come” works is if you’re in Iowa when Kevin Costner wants a baseball game with his dad *grin* You *HAVE* to market yourself as a product.

    You said you’re an editor, or were, so you should know this. Writers usually are either made or broken by their contribution to their own promotion. You have to pour energy into promoting yourself and that business activity alone is what kills at least 50% of the new writers who actually get PAST the transom and are published. The other 50% usually piddle out by not writing a second book quickly enough–or not having 3 to sell in the first place! I’m sure you know a little something about the publishing industry but step outside yourself as “owner” of “Shades of Gay” and look at Stephanie as a product you need to sell. Get onto every public space you can and say something about your book (your blurbs are great, btw. you have no issues writing marketing/sales copy, kiddo, so you’re ahead of the game!)

    You’re not any more (or less) invisible than the next person. You just have to be more proactive to get results. And that goes for OKC too 😉 I’m on that site and the less involved I get, the less contact I receive though I have to admit my legs attract attention, usually unwanted but lately it’s been improving in quality. We put up with the crap to get to the pearls, right?

    Cya at the Sep 30 meetup (I hope)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: