Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 11 August 2010

What I Want Is Not a Fetish

A couple of times, guys I’ve met on OKCupid have asked me flirtatiously what kind of dress I’d “like” them to wear. This is a confusing question for me, because dress-wearing isn’t a sexual fetish. I like guys in dresses because I am attracted to men with a strong feminine side and/or transwomen. It really doesn’t matter to me what kind of dress a person wears as long as s/he likes it, feels attractive in it, and sincerely wants to wear it.

That is why I do not wear dresses anymore. I never felt right in a dress, honestly, although the pictures from when I was three and was made to wear sundresses suggest otherwise. Whenever I’ve worn any kind of dress, I’ve felt like I’m wearing something that girls are “supposed” to like or being the woman I’m “supposed” to be. It’s taken me this long to figure out that none of that is me. I am a girl…sometimes. I’m gender-neutral, neither man nor woman… it’s hard to explain. I don’t quite feel female and I’m drawn to traditionally masculine dress and activities, yet I don’t feel like a *man* either. Sometimes, when I’m with a guy, I like to feel like a girl… yet I’m not one, not fully. Sometimes, when I’m with a girl, I want to feel more like a guy… yet I’m not quite that either.

It’s confusing navigating the world of dating as an asexual, agendered person. I’m not complaining… I like who I am. But it is confusing. As an asexual person, I have no interest in or desire for sex, yet if a relationship partner initiates it, I’m not opposed to certain things. I don’t see myself ever going all the way, with either gender, and I don’t know what I would be comfortable with in a “same sex” relationship because I’ve never really experimented with a woman. When it comes to guys I know I like some physical contact, but it really doesn’t ever occur to me that it’s something I want to do or should do with a boyfriend. I’m just as happy without it.

As an agendered person, I’m not sure what people I should be looking for as romantic partners. Straight guys generally don’t have the gender-neutrality/femininity I’m looking for, gay guys generally are not going to be interested because I’m physically a woman. Same for straight girls. I haven’t had many experiences with gay girls…would my partial identification as a guy confuse things or interfere with them?

Of course what I really want is a transwoman, who may or may not fit into any of these categories…perhaps I should confine my dating expeditions to transwomen only…but where do I find them? And again, it’s not a sexual fetish…how could it be when I don’t have a sex drive?

So any single asexual transwomen reading this? Feel free to contact me…


  1. Reading your blog is so refreshing.

    While I do not identify as transgender, I’ve heard many people in the trans community say that they are looking for (and never finding) people like you. So few people “outside” of the trans community are willing to even consider dating a transperson that the chances of finding a suitable partner (for either person!) are quite slim.

    I’m sure there’s still hope, though. These kinds of situations serve as yet another reason to strengthen our visibility efforts. Regardless of how we identify, there are more of us out there than we think. We just need to find one another.

    ~Carsonspire (AVEN)

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