Posted by: Shula Asher Silberstein | 7 June 2010

Would I change?

The other night I was talking with Gavri’el about how difficult it seems sometimes to be asexual. I’ve had only two types of experiences while dating: the person who thinks something is wrong with me because I don’t want to have sex and wants to “fix” me and the person who won’t even consider me because I don’t have a sex drive.

Occasionally I fall into a self-piteous mode where I feel like being asexual is more of a burden than anything else. Being asexual is not a choice to abstain from sex, nor is it the absence of a sexual partner. It is the absence of sexual desire while still desiring the romantic aspects of a more-than-friends relationship. (Some asexuals have no interest in romance, but I am highly romantic.) It is sitting in a room full of people and being the only one who doesn’t “get it” when watching a movie, talking about how hot someone is, or complaining about how their poor sex life impacts their relationships. It can sometimes feel like a barrier to relating to people in general as well as to DATING, since most people won’t even date an asexual and asexuals make up 1% of the population…mainly in other states besides the one I currently reside in.

Anyway, so a few days ago I was in this self-piteous mood and Gavri’el asked me, “Would you want to be sexual?”

My answer then, like my answer now, is not the unqualified “NO” that most well-adjusted LGBT people have to the question of whether they would change their orientation. It’s, unfortunately, more of a timid, “I don’t know.” I’m almost ashamed to admit that because I devote my life to teaching people to be themselves. Does it make me hypocritical that I MIGHT prefer, sometimes, not to be asexual?

I don’t have an answer to that because Asexuality vs. Sexuality seems to be a completely different spectrum than Homosexuality vs. Heterosexuality. The latter spectrum involves WHO you are attracted to. I believe that is inborn.

Asexuality vs. Sexuality, though, refers to what you want to DO with people you are attracted to. An Asexual person such as myself generally does not want to do anything of a sexual nature. When I have a crush on someone, I feel an intense desire to get emotionally close to the person, to get to know them better. My desires extend only to talking with them all night and holding hands on the beach. I might want to hug them and possibly kiss them. I have no desire for anything beyond that, although I will do so to please my partner. It does nothing for me, satisfies no need.

Is this inborn? It may be…I have been asexual as far back as I can remember. And it usually aggravates me when people tell me to just go to a doctor or just wait until I meet the right person because that will supposedly inspire me to want to have sex.

So yeah, I guess it is inborn. Which means I have nothing to do but accept it.

The thing is, though, it isn’t that I think it’s evil or sinful, or hate myself for it or anything like that. I just sometimes find it extremely hard to relate to ANYBODY because of it, and that’s when it becomes a pain in the ass. When I think of all the bell curves that describe me taken together, I sometimes feel the need to accept that I will never get married or even date. I am asexual…1% of the country. I am gender-neutral…1% of the country. I have Asperger’s…no idea of the actual statistics, but it’s listed as a rare disease by the Office of Rare Diseases, for whatever that’s worth. My intelligence is the top 2% of the country. I’m attracted to transgender women…guess what, they make up 1% of the population.

So taken all together…the chances of me finding an appropriate partner are about .0000002%.

So…would I change? Most of that…no. Asexual? Probably not. I get frustrated with it sometimes, but it IS still part of who I am.

What I really would like to change is the low percentage of people who would be suitable romantic partners. I believe very strongly in not settling. I also believe that it’s easier said than done because there are so many more people who don’t match my unique needs than people who do.

I dream of a world where it’s easier. I don’t know whether that will happen in my lifetime. But I try to work towards it by staying positive and being a good example of self-acceptance.

Sometimes, though, I slip up and wish I was something different that seems like it would be easier.


  1. For me sometimes I’m happy about living a more estrogen filled life for one reason in hopes that it really does lesson my sex drive which is VERY HIGH. It’s not the top… but it’s still quite high.

    But other times I’m afraid to because sexuality is something I feel I know well… what will I think about instead? LoL I mean sure there are tons of things… but I’m so focused right now on finding a boyfriend (my first real boyfriend).

    It’s like for you it’s hard to find that person that can understand you and be in a relationship with you… and for me it’s trying to keep myself from being used as a sex tool and be in a relationship instead.

    Half the guys that come along for me just want to experience a Trannie. But I just don’t want that. Sure I want to experiment but DANG does every guy that I go on a date with have to just use me one night and then not get back up with me? It’s like I get a lot of the wrong ones and you don’t get enough of the right ones… LOL well that’s the same in a way.

    So hey I guess we can understand each other there. I never can fully tell these guys motives. We both need more of the right options. I’m very proud of you for mentioning how you question your asexuality vs. sexuality and how you ponder if you’re comfortable with it. I know it gets very difficult to relate to others because of the asexuality… for me it gets very difficult to even shut up about sex when I haven’t had it in a while. I’m not sure when I’m saying too much. I feel so embarrassed and outside the loop when I ramble on about it. As I’m sure you feel embarrassed or out of the loop when you aren’t sure what to say in response to many sex related conversations.

    For me there is this built in SEX DRIVE that if I don’t get “it”… I’m going to mentally explode (ew). I can’t even think clearly at that time. I’m glad you don’t have that kind of situation. From one end to the other I suppose there can be extremes. It’s definitely about finding balance. I’m also happy that you can find romance to be a beautiful thing when many asexuals do not. You able to understand a lot more than they ever could.

    We’ll be fine… at least when there is 1% of us… then you’re search is automatically narrowed down to the right people/person. We can be more specific in finding what we want. We are going to have to just take life by the balls or in your case by the hand LOL and be happy. XD The right people are out there for us… 🙂

    Whether all this is inborn or not… it’s inborn in each of us to love someone… and maybe when we aren’t looking s/he will step right into our beautiful path. 😉

    Well look at me I’ve written a blog in response. LoL

    Love you hun!!!

  2. I don’t think there is anything wrong with either one of you. I think for some people it’s a matter of choice, and for others, it’s something that happens as they age, and finally I’m convinced a sector of the population is simply born as they are, and nothing can change that. Take it from someone who is often more out of the loop than in, there much more in life to worry about than sex and sexuality. Be true to yourself, whoever that person is.

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