The other night I was talking with Gavri’el about how difficult it seems sometimes to be asexual. I’ve had only two types of experiences while dating: the person who thinks something is wrong with me because I don’t want to have sex and wants to “fix” me and the person who won’t even consider me because I don’t have a sex drive.
Occasionally I fall into a self-piteous mode where I feel like being asexual is more of a burden than anything else. Being asexual is not a choice to abstain from sex, nor is it the absence of a sexual partner. It is the absence of sexual desire while still desiring the romantic aspects of a more-than-friends relationship. (Some asexuals have no interest in romance, but I am highly romantic.) It is sitting in a room full of people and being the only one who doesn’t “get it” when watching a movie, talking about how hot someone is, or complaining about how their poor sex life impacts their relationships. It can sometimes feel like a barrier to relating to people in general as well as to DATING, since most people won’t even date an asexual and asexuals make up 1% of the population…mainly in other states besides the one I currently reside in.
Anyway, so a few days ago I was in this self-piteous mood and Gavri’el asked me, “Would you want to be sexual?”
My answer then, like my answer now, is not the unqualified “NO” that most well-adjusted LGBT people have to the question of whether they would change their orientation. It’s, unfortunately, more of a timid, “I don’t know.” I’m almost ashamed to admit that because I devote my life to teaching people to be themselves. Does it make me hypocritical that I MIGHT prefer, sometimes, not to be asexual?
I don’t have an answer to that because Asexuality vs. Sexuality seems to be a completely different spectrum than Homosexuality vs. Heterosexuality. The latter spectrum involves WHO you are attracted to. I believe that is inborn.
Asexuality vs. Sexuality, though, refers to what you want to DO with people you are attracted to. An Asexual person such as myself generally does not want to do anything of a sexual nature. When I have a crush on someone, I feel an intense desire to get emotionally close to the person, to get to know them better. My desires extend only to talking with them all night and holding hands on the beach. I might want to hug them and possibly kiss them. I have no desire for anything beyond that, although I will do so to please my partner. It does nothing for me, satisfies no need.
Is this inborn? It may be…I have been asexual as far back as I can remember. And it usually aggravates me when people tell me to just go to a doctor or just wait until I meet the right person because that will supposedly inspire me to want to have sex.
So yeah, I guess it is inborn. Which means I have nothing to do but accept it.
The thing is, though, it isn’t that I think it’s evil or sinful, or hate myself for it or anything like that. I just sometimes find it extremely hard to relate to ANYBODY because of it, and that’s when it becomes a pain in the ass. When I think of all the bell curves that describe me taken together, I sometimes feel the need to accept that I will never get married or even date. I am asexual…1% of the country. I am gender-neutral…1% of the country. I have Asperger’s…no idea of the actual statistics, but it’s listed as a rare disease by the Office of Rare Diseases, for whatever that’s worth. My intelligence is the top 2% of the country. I’m attracted to transgender women…guess what, they make up 1% of the population.
So taken all together…the chances of me finding an appropriate partner are about .0000002%.
So…would I change? Most of that…no. Asexual? Probably not. I get frustrated with it sometimes, but it IS still part of who I am.
What I really would like to change is the low percentage of people who would be suitable romantic partners. I believe very strongly in not settling. I also believe that it’s easier said than done because there are so many more people who don’t match my unique needs than people who do.
I dream of a world where it’s easier. I don’t know whether that will happen in my lifetime. But I try to work towards it by staying positive and being a good example of self-acceptance.
Sometimes, though, I slip up and wish I was something different that seems like it would be easier.