I got my first taste of Ace-phobia today. I’d always known there was severe misunderstanding, of course — I did have to convince my therapist that I was Ace, after all, and I’m still never sure whether some of my friends and family realize I’m asexual rather than lesbian. I constantly struggle with the fact that asexuality is so invisible. I want to be open about my own asexuality as much as possible, although I’m n ever sure of exactly how to do that. Asexuality is kind of hidden by default… just as most people are presumed to be straight, most people are presumed to be sexual, and unless the subject comes up, it’s hard to correct that impression.
Anyway, back to my original point. I was
I’m really sorry you experienced this, the words hurt me just reading them. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you and so many others have been writing about the ace experience for longer than I’ve known the word! You have been paving the way for those coming along behind you and making it just that much easier for other aces to be okay with who they are and giving them the strength to respond (often over and over and over again) to attacks on their identity. Thank you for all the risk you’ve taken, for all the attacks you’ve absorbed so that maybe others won’t have to.
By: asexualsexologist on 1 March 2011
at 10:33 am
Thanks. It’s funny, I never thought of myself as an activist until recently… just one lone Ace trying to live her life as best as possible. I’m glad that my writing about it is helping others.
Lately the number of people who know what asexuality is seem to outweigh the “I wish my homework was asexual so it could do itself” people on Twitter and other social networks, so things are definitely improving. Thank you for contributing to the growing knowledge about asexuality.
By: Stephanie Silberstein on 1 March 2011
at 10:47 am
I am going to give you a hug now. -hugs- I’m sorry.
By: Theta on 1 March 2011
at 10:51 am
Wow, nuts. I’ve heard things like this before–you’re selfish, you’re deluded, you think you’re better than us. The best thing to remember is that these people aren’t seeing us; they’re projecting. They’re seeing themselves with a piece removed, projecting onto us the ridiculousness of what they themselves would be without a part of them that helped form their mind and attitude. What they don’t understand is that we are whole people who don’t happen to have that part. The person you quoted is demonstrating an incredibly shocking inability to empathize.
“There’s no such thing as an unsexed human” is kinda hilarious. We’re not claiming to “be unsexed.” We’re claiming to not feel sexual attraction to other people. We’re not denying biology, claiming specialness, or suggesting that sex should be unimportant to “other people with genitals.” We’re simply challenging the assumption that every human is interested in other people sexually. And frankly, the amount of vitriol embedded in that person’s comment makes me think there’s an awful lot more going on here than just simple disbelief and dismissal. I think this person mistakenly believes that your existence challenges the person’s own sexuality somehow, and that you must be handing down judgment through your actions (or inactions).
I have two YouTube videos in which I talk about WHY I bother with visibility in the face of “why do you bother to talk about this, no one cares!” and the letters I feature are much like yours–abusive, dismissive, pointless. I also wrote an article about how people who think they’re sex-positive actually reveal their sex-negative attitudes when they hand down abuse like this. I’d be glad to share my materials with anyone who needs more resources or ammunition for fighting this sort of idiocy.
By: Ivy on 1 March 2011
at 11:54 am
Man, I’m really sorry that guy reacted that badly. I tend not to get the “but you think you’re SO MUCH BETTER THAN US” reaction too much when I get bad reactions, so sometimes it’s easy to forget that it’s actually quite common to run across people who think that.
It’s frustrating, too, because it’s such a stupid reaction–if he was listening properly in the first place, he ought to have noticed that you aren’t trying to say anything about anyone but yourself and other ace people. People get over-defensive over nothing!
By: Sciatrix on 2 March 2011
at 8:57 am
Wow. That’s truly awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for all the good work! I’ll be keeping an eye on your blog.
By: The Lady on 27 May 2011
at 4:01 am